Companionship

Q: What role does a sexual/emotional relationship play in the life of a man of virtue? I am alone, but I am not lonely. I am a very private person and have just a few very close friends who I enjoy the company of, however, I would like to share my life with a significant individual. I guess I am confused here, I live what I consider to be a good life, my actions reflect my philosophy on life, I am clean, intelligent and a gentleman yet I do not have a significant other to share my world with. I do not feel that I NEED another nor am I caught in a trap of desiring another, I am not jealous of others that have someone, I guess I am wondering why I do not have someone.

A: A relationship with another fits the life of a man or woman of virtue just fine. Since we are living in a human realm, having a human companion with whom one can share joys, sorrows, fears, hopes etc. can be an invaluable opportunity. A companion has the ability, in many cases, to point out to us qualities (both positive and negative) we may not have suspected that we possess or employ. A companion gives us both the opportunity to live the principles of ethical behavior we so assiduously study, and in some cases instant feedback as to how we are living them.

The desire to share one's life with a significant individual is very natural, very human. If one has developed love and compassion and it seems to an individual that this love and compassion can be further developed through a personal relationship, then one should pursue such a relationship. From what you describe, your urge for a personal relationship has occurred naturally instead of being the product of base desire; this is just fine, very reasonable.

As to why you do not have someone at this time, the causes are innumerable, as are the causes of all phenomena. Wondering why you do not have someone is, in my view, simply a subtle manifestation of the ego-mind, the mind which wants, the mind which has to have something, even if just an explanation. These subtle manifestations crop up all the time, being fueled by our habitualized tendencies which have developed over innumerable ages and rebirths. It is healthier to see the fact that you don't have someone as simply a description of your human condition at this time...this is wisdom, clearly seeing the situation exactly for what it is. I know this sort of sounds like answering a child's "Why?" with a resounding "Because," but I believe this simple logic applies here.

At this stage in our development we cannot possibly know all the causes and conditions which produce the various effects that manifest themselves in our life. Therefore it is much more productive to practice the wisdom of acceptance and to see any wistful yearnings we have as that subtle grasping which can hinder our path toward full understanding. From a Buddhist perspective it is enough to say that you don't have someone right now because the causes and conditions for a relationship have not manifested themselves in your life just yet. This does not mean that one should not pursue a relationship with someone, but it becomes a bit easier when one is not plagued with doubts and questions as to why a relationship hasn't occurred just yet.

Q: Gautama Buddha left his wife and children to pursue enlightenment, am I to understand that an enlightened spirit does not need or want to share his life with another?

A: Quite the contrary! An enlightened spirit, as you put it, wants to share life, compassion, widsom and love with ALL sentient beings! Shakyamuni Buddha left his family and his former life in order to accomplish just that.........and succeeded, turning the Wheel of Dharma so that all beings could benefit. (Remember too that his wife and son eventually became members of the original Sangha, meaning that he had repaid their kindness and love with the highest gift of all.......the Noble Path that leads to the end of suffering).

If a relationship with another makes you happy, that's wonderful. If such a relationship facilitates your own path to Enlightenment as well as that of your partner.......Sublime Joy!!

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